it sounds like a bad joke

[watchesthewatchers]

A genius and a spy walk into a grocery store.

Comments

[profiteering]

He rejects a call from Fury.

"We'll need towels, too. Not a big fan of dirt sticking to my back."

[watchesthewatchers]

"And to find a private one."

His own phone rings. Peter is responsible enough to pull over, to answer it.

His eyes go wide.

[profiteering]

"Oh it's private, JARVIS wouldn't lie--"

He breaks off at Peter's expression, and wonders if maybe he should stop screening his own calls.

"What's wrong?"

[watchesthewatchers]

"Aliens have invaded, but from the sounds of things, it's under control?"

Forehead creasing.

[profiteering]

"How under control? In your country or here?"

He's learned some protective instincts over the years. Especially where aliens are concerned.

[watchesthewatchers]

"In a SHIELD holding cell."

He parrots for Fury.

"So we're fine, but answer your phone next time, Stark."

[profiteering]

He scratches his temple with a finger, trying and failing to come up with a retort. Being an asshole is a lot harder once you've started to care what happens to the world.

"We're good to go?"

[watchesthewatchers]

"Yes. I think so, yes."

Peering at the phone.

"What has happened to the world, Tony?"

[profiteering]

"We expected E.T. and got Thor's family drama instead."

Which is a glib way of saying he has no idea, and wonders the same thing. More often than he cares to admit.

[watchesthewatchers]

"Well. Beach visit."

Pulling back onto the road.

"I wonder if life will be constant interruptions like that?"

[profiteering]

"Probably. They just can't live without me."

He smirks at him, then frowns.

"Is it weird for you that he has your number? Or did you two swap digits when my back was turned?"

[watchesthewatchers]

"My phone number?"

Curious.

"No, I gave it to him. I'm technically spying on you for SHIELD."

[profiteering]

He purses his lips, seeming angry.

"I feel like that shouldn't be turning me on, but it is."

[watchesthewatchers]

He turns his head, and laughs at him.

"I'm not giving them anything. But they think I am. Well, technically, they think that I don't know that they know I'm not giving them anything, so they're gleaning information from around the edges of my reports, but I know they're looking at the edges, so I'm falsifying those in ways that are useful."

[profiteering]

Tony laughs, and pulls him into a kiss at the next stop.

"As long as they don't try to break up our little honeymoon getaway, they can infer any rumours they want."

[watchesthewatchers]

He murmurs in intense pleasure.

"Home."

[profiteering]

"No skinny dipping?"

Still kissing him languidly between request-and-question.

[watchesthewatchers]

"Groceries in fridge. Head against fridge. Back into car. Then skinny dipping."

He ticks off for him.

[profiteering]

Tony purrs and pulls away, giving him permission to take them home.

"You're good."

[watchesthewatchers]

"Thank you, sir."

He purrs at the praise, stepping on the gas.

[profiteering]

The moment they're home he scrambles out of the car and carries more than half the groceries on the first trip in.

[watchesthewatchers]

Peter snorts, and pads after him, a great deal more sedate.

Tony is sweet when he gets eager.

[profiteering]

Sweet, but also disorganized, because he's just stuffed the perishables in either the freezer or the fridge. He'll flip out about it later and spend an hour reorganizing the kitchen, but right now his focus is all on Peter.

[watchesthewatchers]

"You're in to duplicity, Mister Stark?"

He breathes, watching him from the doorway.

[profiteering]

"As a rule? No."

He finishes shutting the freezer and leans against it, facing Peter.

"But something about it from you is very sexy. In theory."

In reality, he would be livid and, yes, deeply hurt if Peter turned on him.